Got a toothbrush?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
