they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
