Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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