Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
