My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
