im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
