Got a toothbrush?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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