What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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