Sry I called you an 8
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
