I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
