i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
