Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I have tasted many bathrooms
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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