You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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