She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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