The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
