Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
