Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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