just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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