well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
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I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
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And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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