So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
