I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
