Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I need water and some morals
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