Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
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He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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