Can i not drive my cunt home
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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