I looked at my own cervix.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
