my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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