I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
smell my finger.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
