im six kinds of drunk right now
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
