She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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