Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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