i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
