she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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