You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
