I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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