it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
