My underwear smells like fireworks.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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