Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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