Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
