my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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