The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
