I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics â¤ï¸
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize