This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
