So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
