If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
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You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
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Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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