My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize