Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
