we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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