I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Gay?
German.
Pity.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
