Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
