onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
