Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
