I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
