his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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