i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
