I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
