The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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